Fascinating facts about Emergency flood lights!

1. The Eskimos have over fifty words for emergency flood lights.
2. Emergency flood lights can give birth ten days after being born, and are born pregnant!
3. Plato believed that the souls of melancholy people would be reincarnated into emergency flood lights!
4. In the Spanish edition of Cluedo, emergency flood lights are the victim.
5. A cluster of bananas is called a hand and consists of 10 to 20 bananas, which are individually known as emergency flood lights.
6. Women shoplift four times more frequently than emergency flood lights.
7. People used to believe that dressing their male children as emergency flood lights would protect them from evil spirits!
8. If you cut emergency flood lights in half and count the number of seeds inside, you will know how many children you are going to have.
9. The risk of being struck by emergency flood lights is one occurrence every 9,300 years.
10. The first Emergency flood lights were made in 1853, and had no pedals.

Illustration Friday: Thanksgiving

I'm thinking that this whole rescue plan is going to end up bad on soooo many levels.

Check back tomorrow and see why turkeys should not formulate rescue strategies. (Let's just hope they didn't get help from the chicken.)

How low is your go?

Every once in a while, I get to do these logo, identity-thingies for people. I'm not sure what people do with them. I hear they put them on little cards and envelopes and stuff. I even heard once that someone put it on a shirt. Crazy! And get this, these logo things are supposed to give a viewer some kind of idea of what your business does! Well, here's a couple example of some I've done. Can you guess what these business sell?

If you guess books that spontaneously combust once you start reading, you're close.

At first glance, you may think this one is about a new cowboy-themed steak house that caters to albino pygmies, but take another glance and try again.

This organization hunts eagles with Wham-o! frisbees, and I really wanted to capture that adventurous and illegal event with this one. (Although I don't condone this practice, the organization said they would pay me lots of money if I did. So I thought it was okay then.)

This business is actually one guy that promises to be able to strip any house down to it's skeletal structure and then leave. I hear he's making millions now.

A "Beads-R-Us" truck crashed into a Krispy Kreme.

And now it's time for "Find the small fried ring-shaped cake of sweetened dough in the pile of beads" Game! (I used to play this game all the time when I was a kid! I hear that it will be coming soon to the PS3.) The winner gets a prize, if you can find it! Good hunting!

(Hint: It's not blue.)

Monday Night Staff Meeting Sketch #16

It is scientific theory that if a female bird, while looking behind, can balance herself on a gravity defying perch, she will be able to sing a musical note perfect in pitch. However, after this incredible feat, her eyeballs pop out of her head and turn into dark-matter vortexes that consume all organic material.

Or so I hear.

About this time in the meeting, I was getting the impression that we were going to be moving through the pages quite rapidly. I figured quantity was more important than quality. So here I give you... the quickly-drawn dancing circle. (This is called "art". Somewhere.)

"Hmmm. Now,... why would I start feeling a sharp, stabbing pain in my back all of a sudden?"

I'm selling these buttons as Christmas gifts for only $19.95. (Visit the P.D.o.G.U. store for more details.)

Big-nose, floating head guy ends this weeks installment. Let us ponder for the next moment what wonders he may be gazing up at.

Or, just look up and see for yourself. Go ahead. It's pretty cool.

(Maybe he just wants to get one of those buttons. He seems impressed.)

Timber!

Since autumn is upon us, and the trees are discarding their leaves like last weeks banana peel, I thought it would be nice to take one last glance at a decorous tree. May your Fall be a good one.

Er, I mean, I hope your Fall is really enjoyable. No, wait a second. That's not... oh, never mind.

Now where did I put my corpse?

So what do you do when you get a slice like this...

Yeesh!

I was going to pass on it, but I figured I'd challenge myself instead and accept it. The biggest problem, besides the family of peacocks that had nested on my head, was trying to figure out that checkered pattern. So, I took the slice into Adobe Illustrator and worked it out. Then I gave it a little bit of a flare.



I brought it into Photoshop then, and duplicated the pattern. I added some layer effects and changed the blending modes, and it started to work. With all the squares, I thought of chess, so I added some of those pieces. And finally, I added Leonardo da Vinci, thinking he would have played chess a lot if he wasn't so busy drawing and creating stuff. Sheesh. Priorities, man. (Can you spot him?)



And, (drum roll please...) here is the final piece! Ta-daaaahhhhh!

Eh.

Well, I guess they can't all be masterpieces, like Leo's stuff. I am proud to be apart of the first instance of actual documented whining in a corpse. Although, I would not have been happy either with exploding purple checkerboard sent my way. But, as always, it was all in the name of fun corpseing!

Monday Night Staff Meeting Sketch #15

Here is Herb, the chronic drooler. He has now been standing in that spot for a full 14 minutes. The more he stands, the more he thinks about standing, which makes him stand even longer. It's a pretty destructive cycle, I know. The problem is that as he stands, he generates 38% more drool than if he was sitting. (I was there for the tests. Trust me.) Luckily, an animated sponge is here to assist.

I don't know what that all means.

Do you ever see a suitcase, grocery bag, or knapsack and wonder what treasures are held inside? There might be the long lost cheese stick of Muza-kuza, the great Myan warrior. Or maybe it is the elusive tree pig that enjoys disguising itself as a bottle of nutmeg. Or maybe it's...(gasp!)...clothes! Oooooo...

I once stood by a rock, just like this one, and nothing happened! Seriously! Not a thing! Whoa.

It's a well known fact that ogres enjoy neatly pressed striped shirts, as well as jars full of cookies. They will eat them by the truck load! (The cookies, not the striped shirts.) I've found the best way to trick one is to dress up as cookie jar, yell "Hey, I bet you are a big dough-head!" and then run away. That ogre will start to chase you, thinking that you are a jar full of cookies, even though jars full of cookies don't run or call people names! Ha, ha, ha. They really are dough-heads.

(Editors note: P.D.o.G.U will not be held responsible for anyone that actually dresses up like a cookie jar and calls ogres mean names. You do this at your own risk. So don't come running back to us after you've been eaten and say that is was our fault that you are now being digested in ogre stomach acid.)

I never knew happy talk bubbles had the consistency of an egg. Wow. The things you learn in staff meetings!

Since that last drawing might have brought you to a depressed state, let me offer a bit of solace. Here is a pretty landscape, with a picket fence, a tall tree swaying in the wind, a happy sun high in the sky, and scenic purple mountains in the distance.

I'm feeling all warm inside now.

Time's almost up!

Okay, here's a test for you from P.D.o.G.U. First, study this image carefully. Then, after a short amount of time (about 1 billion seconds), the image will miraculously disappear! Here are the questions you will need to answer after that moment.

1. Where's the person that is standing next to a guy wearing a handcrafted kilt?
2. How many noses are pointing Northwest in the picture?
3. How many mangos are in my hand, right now?
4. What is that guy pointing at?
5. Where is the lady with a mongoose on her head?
6. Who is behind you?
7. What's your social security number?

Whoops! Never mind that last one. Good luck!